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Summer/Fall 2013 • FitnessX.com 77. Sometimes, it whispered my name. This was my mon- ster. It made me feel scared, weak, and helpless. I hated the monster and wanted it to go away. So before going to bed, I decided to turn on the bathroom light down the hall too illuminate the darkness in my room. I sat up in bed, eyeing the closet. I waited for the monster to appear. It never came. It hated the light. I felt scared, weak, and helpless. I hated the monster and wanted it to go away. So before going to bed, I decided to turn on the bathroom light down the hall too illuminate the darkness in my room. I sat up in bed, eyeing the closet. I waited for the monster to appear. It never came. It hated the light. But now this mon- ster was back to haunt me again. It enjoyed watching me fail. It fed off my fear and weakness. I became paranoid of people actually seeing the real me. I hid some more. I did not want anyone to know how ugly I truly was inside. Then one day, I spent an afternoon with my Nana. Before my visit, I made sure I was fashionably dressed with flawess makeup. Even my hair was perfectly combed and curled. I wanted to ap- pear happy and healthy even though inside I was a hot mess. I didn’t want Nana to worry about me because I could tell she wasn’t feeling too well that day. However, her spirit was strong. She liked telling stories about when she was a young girl in Troy, Alabama, and how much trouble she and her brother would get into. She loved getting gifts for her birthday, Christmas and Mother's Day because she was a "Depres- sion baby", and the only gifts they got back then was a good meal. She talked about all the delicious southern dishes she learned to cook and eat growing up. But then she finally said, “Be good to yourself okay baby. Don’t eat the way I ate. You only have one heart, one life. Take care of it.” She passed away from heart disease 3 years ago, but what she said stuck with me. I needed to start taking care of me. I thought of Nana’s last words of encouragement and finally just looked in the mirror. No clothes, no make up, hair pulled back…raw looking at me. There stood the woman I didn’t want the world to see. But if I was going to make a change, I had to start with the woman in the mirror. I began a new life chapter with saying one word, 'yes'. I started to focus only on saying 'yes' to me and my life shifted. I stopped being fake. I stopped isolating and hiding. I stopped eating crappy food. I stopped partaking in dead-end relation- ships. I dragged my butt into the gym and kept saying 'yes' to myself even when I felt like saying 'no'. I kept pumping iron until my muscles gave out, kept climbing stairs until my legs buckled, kept "taeboing" until I passed out, and kept running until my feet hurt. Through this practice of saying 'yes' to me, I found strength. I found truth. I found worthiness. I found love. I found beauty. I started to let my light shine and my monster and the bad voices eventually went away. So no matter what I look like on the outside, there is an inner battle going on inside of me. Everyday, I fight the mean voices and the monster that wants to terrorize me again. But as long as I continue to say 'yes' to me, I win. Begin tomorrow with saying yes to yourself first. It’s okay to be selfish. Don’t worry. When you are truly happy, ev- ery one around you prospers. Believe in your worth. Believe in the power of the word 'yes' and what that means for you and then start your new jour- ney. You will eventually see positive changes in your life. You will feel awesome. Just say 'YES' to yourself and you’ll never want to say 'no' again. “The biggest devil is me. I'm either my best friend or my worst enemy.” -- Whitney Houston Nikki Utley serves as a Producer on a host of acclaimed reality television programs such as NBC’s Emmy-nominated “The Apprentice”, BET’s Prism award-winning “Keyshia Cole: The Way It Is,” and VH-1’s hit show “Celebrity Rehab”. Nikki Utley is currently a Senior Producer on Bravo's top rated "Flipping Out" Season 6. Nikki's love of writing, story telling and her strong desire to motivate others lead her to establish a second career in the health and fitness industry. Nikki utilized her high school track and field experience as well as eight years of study- ing ballet to help launch her debut in the fitness competition world. After months of intense training and strict diet, Nikki’s physique and image transformed so dramatically that she is now a healthy billboard for women nationwide to change their mind, body, and soul. Nikki's unwavering focus to help women know their worth and discover their inner power to succeed propels her to be a formidable force in the fitness world. Photo Credit: B-House Photography. I was tired of pretending. I wanted to be authentic from the inside out. I really wanted to beat my monster and silence the dark voices in my head that kept telling me 'no'. DOSE OF INSPIRATION “ “