parent handbook:, a guide to post-treatment © karen hamilton, lmft, catc w w w . k a r e n h a m i l t o nt h e r a p y . c o m copyright 2013 karen p. hamilton
contents part i. introduction .......................................... 2 part ii. in the home .......................................... 3 1. clean home 2. meals 3. calendar .......................................... 3 .......................................... 3 .......................................... 3 .......................................... 3 5. no blame zone .......................................... 3 part iii. technology .......................................... 4 6. social media 7. the tech room 8. phone part iv. social life 9. curfew 10. driving 11. sleepovers 14. friends .......................................... 4 .......................................... 4 .......................................... 4 .......................................... 5 .......................................... 5 .......................................... 5 .......................................... 5 .......................................... 6 .......................................... 6 .......................................... 6 part v. drug testing .......................................... 7 15. is it necessary? .......................................... 7 7 part vi. recovery .......................................... 8 17. your teen and 12-step .......................................... 8 18. family members and 12-step .................................. 8 19. relapse .......................................... 8 part vii. when your teen is not returning home 9 books and resources .......................................... 10
limited – six to twelve months. the rules outlined here can lighten as trust with your teen builds. role is to advise you about the types of structures that have been successful for families in r ecovery. this handbook outlines f amily contain each family member, but also provide reassurance to your teen t hat somebody i s in c harge. r emember, y our t een i s not i n charge. you are the grownups. this is your blueprint to get started on your new path as a recovering family. 2
part two clean home your teen needs a safe, sober environment to live in. we ask that you have a “clean home” for your teen. this means no alcohol or drugs are stored or used at home. if you drink, do so outside of the house. meals recommend that all family members eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day. we also s uggest t hat you have a m inimum o f 4 family dinners together per week where parents provide and prepare all meals. also, no technology at the dinner table. calendar having a family calendar is a good idea because it provides structure and reassurance for all family members. remember that everybody will k now where everybody i s, j ust like i f you were a ll a t camp. perhaps you can hang a large calendar in your kitchen for everyone on your computer and put it on the refrigerator. have fun with it! are a good c hoice a s it m arks t he beginning and t he end o f the no blame zone is nobody t o blame. i f you are having “ blame feelings” (anger, we recommend family and individual therapy when possible. 3
part three social media social media and/or use it responsibly. this is why we recommend easier. the tech room we k now that technology is a part of l ife and t hat it can b e very useful. as part of r ecovery planning, w e want y ou t o create a sense of s ecurity regarding technology i n the home. this is done by h aving all usage occur in t he open. p ick a place in t he house with no closed doors and designate it, “the tech room.” also, think this structure the most. remember, that you are the grownups, and phone and limits. one idea might include a phone with no internet access. rules and limits should always be agreed upon by the parents and communicated to your teen. 4
part four curfew we strongly recommend a curfew for all teens including non-minors. for the older teens, this can be called the “house curfew” as this helps relieve anxiety and tension in the home, and reassures family members that there is structure. driving if you decide that your teen will have his or her own car, then make clear guidelines regarding the car. this means you will address issues like who pays for car insurance and gas. if you decide that your teen will not have his or her own car, discuss plans regarding borrowing a family car or needing to get rides. if your teen is going to share a car with you, let him know when he can and cannot borrow the car. this can be a part of your family calendars. if your teen will have no access to driving a car, let her know when you are available to drive her p laces. w e want y our t een and a ll f amily m embers t o know exactly what t o expect regarding cars and d riving s o this i s not a constant source of confusion and tension. sleepovers your teen. your teen can have friends stay the night at your house when y ou a re home. a s you build trust w ith your t een, y ou c an decide to make changes to this rule. 5
outlined in this book. if your teen has a curfew, no sleepovers, and is not allowed to be with his partner behind closed doors – then, you are keeping t o our guidelines. each f amily m ay address t his families have enjoyed taking a “no technology” camping or beach trip with each other. if your teen asks to accompany another family new recovery friends are encouraged. friends who are also sober friends past who may not be sober can come over to your house and visit your teen when you are home if you are comfortable with this. your teen will grow to appreciate these guidelines because it can help him or her cope with peer pressures. 6
part five whether you d rug test o r not depends o n many factors. you will have to decide with the help of a professional what is best for your your teen if he or she is faced with peer pressure surrounding drugs and alcohol as he or she can say, “no, i can’t drink/use because i am is a good idea as it helps you stack your deck in the most favorable way. each family will need its own individual plan. we suggest that plan with the help of a professional. generally, it works well to test 7
part six your teen and 12-step a sponsor w ith whom h e or s he w ill b e working the 12 s teps o f are part of h is r ecovery community. we w ant to s ee your t een family members and 12-step we recommend al-anon for parents and alateen for any adolescent siblings. if f amily m embers d o not build t heir own recovery feeling. you a re a recovering family n ow and you need your o wn support systems. relapse led to believe. it happens. it i s somewhat c ommon, but i t is not something we build i nto any recovery p lan. sobriety in r ecovery teen has a relapse, seek guidance from a professional. 8
part seven if your teen is not returning home post-treatment, or will only be recovering family and y ou each need y our o wn s upport systems. to address these challenges. 9
books and resources recommended reading 1. the family recovery guide: a map for healthy growth by stephanie brown 2. the alcoholic family in recovery: a developmental model by stephanie brown 3. facing codependence: what it is, where it comes from, how it sabotages our lives by pia mellody 4. the lost years: surviving a mother and daughter’s worst nightmare 5. by terence t. gorski 12-step resources alcoholics anonymous in marin and san francisco county 415-499-0400 (marin) 415-674-1821 (sf) website: aasf.org alcoholics anonymous in sonoma county 707-544-1300 (santa rosa) 707-938-8508 (sonoma) website: sonomacountyaa.org website: na.org al-anon and alateen in marin county website: marinalanon.org al-anon and alateen in san francisco county website: al-anonsf.org al-anon and alateen in sonoma county website: ncwsa.org acknowledgements 10