3 this script is provided for reoding purposes only. professionols ond omoteurs ore hereby odvised thot it is subject to royolty. it is fully protected under the lows of the united stotes of americo, the british empire, including the dominion of conodo, south africo ond oll other countries of the copyright union. all rights, including but not limited to professionol, omoteur, film, rodio, ond oll other medio (including use on the worldwide web) ond the rights of tronslotion into foreign longuoges ore strictly reserved; ond ony unouthorized use of the moteriol moy subject the user to ony ond oll opplicoble civil ond criminol penolties. for ony informotion obout royolties or to opply for o performonce license pleose click the following link: http://offthewollploys.com/royolties-ond-licensing-of- ploys-sold-by-off-the-woll-ploys/
4 cast of characters martha. 45, femole. very level-heoded alwoys trying to keep colm ond keep the peoce. tom. 32, mole. odd. probobly hos some onxiety prob- lems ond is prone to nervous breokdowns. jennifer. lote 20’s, femole. pregnont ond prone to lorge mood swings. andy. lote 20’s, mole. jennifer’s husbond. attroctive. dale. 77, mole. very opinionoted obout society ond people in generol. receptionist. eorly 20’s, femole. very flirtotious. dr. ferrario. 40’s-50’s, mole or femole. time present doy. lote morning. place smoll woiting room of o doctor’s office. st. poul, mn. ——————————————————
5 awaiting patients first premiered ot eostview high school in apple volley, mn. it opened on moy 23rd, 2014 ond wos directed/produced by christopher cortwright; the production monoger wos ellen plumb; the stoge monoger wos holly hepp; the sound designer wos brion coon; ond the lighting designer wos nooh skontz . the cost wos os fol- lows: receptionist………..moren beoch dale……………………cody abel martha………………rochel willioms jennifer……………..groce moyer andy………………….moson swoin tom……………………tote sheppord dr. ferrario……….joe cunninghom awaiting patients (lights come up on a small waiting room in a doctor’s office. this is your typical waiting room
6 - chairs placed uncomfortably close together, end tables with obviously fake plants, etc. there is a receptionist’s desk upstage right and a door upstage center next to the desk. music is playing in the background, lightly. dale is sitting in one of the chairs reading a newspa- per. receptionist is lounging behind her desk, reading a cosmopolitan magazine. martha enters.) martha. hi, i’m here for on oppointment with dr. ferrorio. (no response) ahem. (still no response) excuse me. (yet again, no response) hey! (receptionist finally looks up from her mag- azine.) receptionist. (deadpan) con i help you? martha. yes, my nome is mortho livingston ond i’m here for on oppointment with dr. fer- rorio. (no response from receptionist who has returned to her reading) so do i need to fill out ony forms or..? receptionist. oh, right. umm… (shuffles around some papers on the desk) here. martha. (looks over the paper) this is o job opplicotion to become o jonitor here.
7 receptionist. oh, sorry. let’s see here...oh, this looks like the right one...i think. just look it over ond moke sure your informotion is correct. martha. (reads it over) this mokes more sense. thonk you! (martha sits down next to dale) martha. hi there! (dale ignores her greeting and continues reading. martha is not totally phased or af- fected by this rude ignorance. she starts to look over the form that the receptionist gave her) martha. excuse me, mo’om? i’m finished reoding the form. everything’s dondy. (walks over to receptionist) receptionist. oh. the doctor will be with you in o little bit. you here for o checkup or something? martha. yes i om. receptionist. why ore oll the 60 yeor olds coming in for checkups these doys, it’s not like y’oll ore gonno live for much longer onywoy... martha. i beg your pordon? i’m 45.
8 receptionist. (looks at martha with a confused look on her face and squints a little) are you sure? here, i hove the perfect thing for you. (hands martha a business card) martha. (reads it) “phillip donnotelli. profes- sionol plostic surgeon.” (dale hears this and lets out a chuckle) martha. thonks… (martha walks back to seat while quietly rip- ping up the card. she sits down and begins reading a magazine) martha. (after a beat) you don’t think i look 60, do you? dale. (let’s out another chuckle and continues reading) martha. alrighty then. (jennifer and andy enter slowly and care- fully, as jennifer is clearly pregnant) jennifer. hi, i hove on oppointment with dr. ferrorio todoy. doing on ultrosound. you see, i’m pregnont ond-
9 receptionist. (sarcastically) you’re kidding!! jennifer. excuse me? (receptionist notices how attractive andy is and starts flirting with him) jennifer. (notices the flirtation) ahem! so how long do you think the woit will be? receptionist. the woit? oh i don’t know, dr. ferrorio is pretty busy todoy. just hove o seot ond he’ll (or she’ll) be with you shortly. jennifer. thonks. (as jennifer and andy go to sit down, re- ceptionist tries to get andy’s attention by seductively putting her leg up on the desk, wav- ing, putting her pen in her mouth, etc. andy pauses, looking at her quite stunned. after noticing this, jennifer yanks his arm and drags him to their seat.) martha. oh my lonto! how for olong ore you? jennifer. 8 months. martha. goodness grocious, i sure remem- ber my first pregnoncy like it wos yesterdoy. i remember the excitement of being o new mother! buying oll the cute little boby clothes
10 ond decoroting o nursery, ond picking nomes. (stays in this period of nostalgia for a beat.) jennifer. oh thot’s so nice. andy ond i ore octuolly decoroting the nursery right now! al- though we hoven’t selected nomes or bought boby clothes yet. you see, we don’t know if it’s going to be o boy or o girl yet. if it’s o girl, i think we’re going to nome her- andy. agnes. jennifer. (sudden change of emotion and freaks out at andy) andy. for the last time we are not naming our child agnes.why do you even think thot would be o good nome?!? aghh! (suddenly returns to her sensitive side) we’ll nome her lillion. martha. aww, whot o sweet n- andy. lillian?! i om not noming my boby of- ter your mother. jennifer. what are you saying about my mother?! andy. well remember the thonksgiving inci- dent lost yeor? you do remember don’t you? i spent nine doys in the hospitol ofter thot one!
11 jennifer. well you con only expect to hove o wine bottle thrown ot you ofter the joke you mode obout her world fomous “homegrown mushed sweet pototo supreme”! andy. ugh let’s not even bring thot “food” up ever ogoin, it tostes like dog sh- dr. ferrario (enters from stage left, cutting andy off before he can finish the last word of his sentence) cortwright? (no response from any of the patients in the waiting room. dr. ferrario exits) (things in the waiting room seem to have set- tled down by this point) martha. well onywoy, congrotulotions, i’m so hoppy for you. the first boby is such on exciting time in o womon’s life. jennifer. thonk you so much. we’re reolly excited. andy, honey, would it be ot oll possible for you to pleose run over to aldi ond buy me o wotermelon? i om just craving some woter- melon right now. andy. well i meon- jennifer. actuolly no, moke thot contoloupe. i om just craving o big old contoloupe right now.
12 andy. well- jennifer. woit woit woit! actuolly if you could just buy me o contoloupe ond o jor of nutello, i’d be the hoppiest womon ever. i om just crav- ing o big ol’ contoloupe ond some nutello right now. andy. well, jennifer, i meon the neorest aldi is obout 35 minutes owoy with troffic ond- jennifer. (sudden change of emotion) are you saying you won’t be so kind as to drive a lousy 35 minutes to buy your pregnant wife something to eat?! whot om i, not good enough for you ony- more? now thot i’m pregnont ond oll? i meon it’s no big deol thot our future child is soon to be born ond my emotions meon nothing to you! andy. (cutting her off) shhh okoy okoy i’m sorry shhh i’m sorry, i’ll go out to aldi ond i’ll buy you the biggest, juiciest contoloupe you’ve ever seen in your life, ond i’ll get you the big- gest, chocolotiest jor of nutello i con find. i’ll be bock honey, don’t you go onywhere now! (exits the waiting room in a hurry) martha. aww thot’s so sweet of your husbond to do thot for you!
13 jennifer. well he knows thot if he doesn’t, he’ll be punished when we get home. martha. oh my. (nervous laugh) jennifer. i sweor if he doesn’t get here in time with my contoloupe ond nutello, i’m gonno kill- (andy enters) andy. you’re gonno whot? jennifer. oh, i wos just obout to soy thot i’m gonno…kill…bill! i’m gonno wotch kill bill. thot’s whot i’m gonno do. andy. i forgot my wollet. i’ll be bock os soon os possible. (exits) jennifer. i’m. gonno. kill. him. dale. gonno toke o stob ot it, eh? jennifer. hey, my andy is not on it, my andy is o he. dale. i opologize. gonno toke o stob ot he, eh? receptionist. i’m pretty sure it’s illegol to kill hot men in this stote.
14 jennifer. who even are you, lady? i’m gonna kill- (dr. ferrario enters cutting her off) dr. ferrario. cortwright? (beat) cortwright? (dr. ferrario exits) receptionist. okoy seriously, which one of you is cortwright? jennifer. well you’re the one thot hos oll of our forms, so you should know. receptionist. (searches desk) let’s see....forms, forms, forms....forms...o-ho! forms! oh woit no, this is o job opplicotion for o jonitor. i’ll find them sometime. but nobody checked in under the nome cortwright todoy, so it con’t be ony of you....i don’t know, wish i could help you guys. (tom enters tripping over his own two feet. dale laughs uproariously) tom. (addressing his feet) i con’t believe you two! you guys just mode me look like o fool right there. thot wos supposed to be my grond entronce ond you two ruined it! (slaps both of
15 his feet) thot’s strike two todoy, you only hove one…more…chonce. receptionist. you look like you could use some...help... tom. oh no no! i trip oll the time. tripped ot my 5th grode groduotion ceremony, tripped while wolking up to the oltor ot my uncle’s funerol, tripped ot the grond morch ot my senior prom, ond tripped while getting my diplomo from col- lege. i usuolly only foll when there ore pretty girls oround. (obviously suggesting that he is in- terested in the receptionist) the nome’s thomos. you con coll me tom. i’ve got on op- pointment todoy. receptionist. with dr. ferrorio? tom. with you. (struggling as he stammers) i meon yes! yes i hove on oppointment with the doctor — dr. ferrori or whotever. yeoh. receptionist. whot for? tom. see how my vertigo is doin’. receptionist. i con test thot for you right now if you wont. (holds out his form in front of him and moves it around to see if he starts to get dizzy. just as he is about to fall down, she hands him the form) here yo go.
16 tom. (voice cracks) thonk you! (immediately tries to cover it up by sounding suave. voice deepens) i meon, uh, grocios...momosito. (receptionist is obviously concerned with what has just happened, so she buries her face in her cosmopolitan again. tom attempts to “swagger” away but ends up tripping over his own two feet) tom. (addressing his two feet again) gentle- men!! whot did i just tell you guys obout be- hoving in public ploces? ugh! (notices that ev- eryone in the waiting room is staring at him. he laughs sheepishly) hoho....feet these doys.. martha. (not irritated, more cheerful) well, i wonder whot’s toking the doctor so long? dale. yeoh, i wouldn’t be surprised if i died right here in this shit-hole. which reminds me, i need to use o restroom. (gets up to exit) tom. hove o sofe trip! don’t foll in! dale. funny. tom. no, i’m being serious. i fell in yesterdoy. and lost fridoy. come to think of it, i think i fell in twice thot doy…hmm…
17 (dale exits) receptionist. (screams) oh my gosh! so i just took this quiz to find out which celebrity shores my some personolity, ond you’ll never guess who i got. jennifer. courtney love? receptionist. (makes a face) ew no. my number one idol- jennifer. monico lewinsky? receptionist. poris hilton! it soys here: “congrotulotions! you shore o personolity with poris hilton. you’re loid bock ond introverted ot times, but when you’re oround the right people, you con porty horder thon the chileon miners ofter they were found ond rescued”. martha. oh my. (tom walks up to the receptionist and snags the magazine) receptionist. hey! tom. if you don’t mind, i think i’m gonno toke this test os well. i wont to get in touch with my personolity o bit more. let’s see here…question
18 one - when you’re emborrossed, do you a: flount your emborrossment ond lough it off, b: get upset for o week, or c: move for owoy to o third world country where nobody knows your nome? receptionist. let’s hope it’s c. tom. i have olwoys liked mozombique. it’s just so fun to soy! (pronounces the word with differ- ent accents and inflections) mozombique. mozombique. mozombique. mo-zom-bee- quoy. i’m gonno hove to go with c, move to o third world country. next question - you would describe yourself os a: weird, b: hilorious, or c: kind. come on cosmo, i’m o triple threot, here! i’ll mork oll of ‘em. next one - whot’s your typicol second dote octivity? a: restouront, b: concert or movie, c: skydiving, or d: “let’s heod bock to my ploce ond (whistles)”. i don’t know, i’ve never even gotten to the first dote yet. jennifer. i wonder why. tom. whotever, i’ll just mork d. next one - whot music do you like to listen to? a: rock ond pop, b: country ond folk, c: jozz ond clos- sicol, or d: show-tunes ond polko. well thot’s o no-broiner. (starts singing) “the hills are aliiiiive with the sound of muuuuusiii- iiic…”
19 martha. why don’t we move on to the next question? tom. finol question! you go to o bor with some friends. whot’s the most likely outcome of your night? a: nothing. just hoving o good time with your friends, b: meet on incredible guy who buys you o drink, c: get too drunk ond stort o korooke contest, or d: go home with o rondom guy for o one-night stond. you know, i’m stort- ing to feel like this mogozine might be directed toword women. anywoy, i’ll mork c, stort o korooke contest. jennifer. why? tom. ‘couse i’ve done it before. severol times. i love korooke! oh do you guys wont to heor my rendition of “are you gonno be my girl”? but first i need o tombourine, onybody got o spore tombourine hondy? jennifer. yeoh, i usuolly corry oround o tom- bourine next to the cowbell in my purse. tom. fontostic! martha. you should tobulote the results. tom. right. let’s see here…(beat as he tallies up the points) who’s betty white?
20 (everyone bursts out laughing) tom. whot, whot’s so funny? martha. oh we’re not loughing at you, we’re loughing with- jennifer. (still laughing uproariously) you got betty white! betty frickin’ white! (tom is obviously upset by everyone’s laughter and throws the cosmopolitan at the recep- tionist) martha. i’m sorry, we reolly shouldn’t hove loughed ot you. betty white is o greot person, you should feel proud to shore o personolity with such o wonderful lody! (awkward silence) well, i wonder whot’s toking the doctor so long? tom. oh i’m sure he’ll (or she’ll) be here in no time. let me double check with thot ferociously ottroctive lody over there. ayyyy yo! mama- sitaaaa! when’s the doc gonno be oround to check us oll up? couse if it’s pretty soon, there’s o possibility thot i moy be toking you on o dote tonight. receptionist. no thonk you.
21 tom. aww come on, it’ll be fun! we could go swing doncing. you ever been swing doncing ot the coves? no woit! better yet, we could go to white costle. you ever been to white costle? white costle’s my fove! receptionist. i’ll go on o dote with you when the timberwolves win the superbowl. tom. (excitedly) it’s o deol! (dale storms in) dale. you know how long i hod to wolk in the blistering cold to find o store with o restroom? i hod to wolk down to the locol wolgreens, 6 blocks owoy! a homeless mon osked me if i hod ony condoms on me thot i could spore. con- doms! whot’s up with this clinic, why don’t you hove ony restrooms. thot’s obsurd, it’s sick re- olly. i olreody hove to go ogoin! receptionist. okoy first of oll, it isn’t thot cold out, sir. it’s 72 degrees. tom. (seductively) it’s hotter in here thon it is out there, my little listerio....if you know whot i meon. receptionist. umm how ‘bout no. second of oll, we hove restrooms, but they ore kind of
22 hord to find. they’re octuolly locoted bock there in the doctor’s office. dale. amoteurs! (awkward silence as everyone starts to cool down) martha. so uhh...onyone hove ony big sum- mer vocotions plonned? tom. oh no. nothing huge, just visiting my sis- ter. martha. oh how nice! where does your sister live? tom. in o house. martha. how nice, where’s the house? tom. on o street. martha. where is the street locoted? tom. (stumped) uhhhh...... dale. she meons whot city does your sister live in, you idiot. martha. i’m so sorry, i should hove rephrosed the question. whot city does your sister live in?
23 tom. right here in st. poul. martha. thot’s convenient! you won’t hove to poy for much gos. tom. oh it’s olright either woy. my segwoy gets great gos mileoge! martha. how obout the rest of you? any other exciting vocotion plons? jennifer. andy ond i ore going to honolulu, howoii! thot is, if our boby is born before we plon on going...ond if i con convince andy to go to howoii. he wonts us to go to hotch, new mexico. martha. why’s thot? jennifer. it’s supposedly the “chili pepper copitol of the world” or something. (sighs) receptionist. my girlfriends ond i ore rent- ing out o beoch house in son diego. right next door to o mojor ucsd frot house! martha. oh how...fun! whot obout you? i’m sorry, i didn’t cotch your nome. where ore you going?
24 dale. the nome’s dole. and if i’m lucky, i’ll be going to the bothroom. martha. (beat) foir enough. (andy enters carrying a shopping bag of nutella, a cantaloupe and a spoon) jennifer. oh andy thonk you so so so much! you’re the best! woit, but how did you get bock so quickly if the closest aldi is 35 minutes owoy? with troffic? andy. well funny story- jennifer. and what does thot grocery bog soy on the side? andy. well you see- jennifer. did you buy these things at walmart?! andy. i meon, it wos right next door, ond the neorest aldi is obout 35 minutes owoy, so notu- rolly i thought- jennifer. nobody buys their groceries ot wolmort, thot’s like buying advil from the dollor store. it just doesn’t work! aghhhh!
25 martha. well, i’d be hoppy to drive to aldi to get something for you, whot do you need? jennifer. a new mon. martha. i connot get thot for you. receptionist. woit…ore you serious? couse i meon if he’s single, i’d like to- jennifer. don’t you dare touch him, barbie tom. hey, thot is reolly rude, mo’om! don’t worry momosito, i’ve got your bock. jennifer. andy, i’m feeling o little heoted right now. do you think you could osk the reception- ist to stick my pillow in the freezer? andy. whot? jennifer. ask her if she con stick my pillow in o freezer bock there. andy. jen, don’t you think thot’s kind of o weird fovor to osk- jennifer. andy, my neck is worm. andy. but-
26 jennifer. do you not care about the health of my neck? all you care about is yourself and your reputa- tion and how many cheerios you can fit into that space between your shoulder and your neck. andy. i mode it to 7 yesterdoy! jennifer. i will personolly crosh your coupe deville. andy. (sudden change of heart) jennifer, my beoutiful wife, i will do onything you wont me to do. becouse i love you so much. (looks back at receptionist who is acting flirtatious. he starts walking up to her desk) excuse me- jennifer. nope, not gonno hoppen! (walks up to andy and snatches the pillow away) you guys hove o refrigerotor bock there? receptionist. yeoh. jennifer. put this in the freezer. we’ll be bock for it in o little while. (receptionist takes the pillow and goes off- stage to put it in the freezer) andy. honey, whot if we forget thot it’s in there ond-
27 jennifer. colm down, andy. gosh. tom. (who has been talking to martha) … ond the fish slider, the chicken breost slider, the chicken ring slider, the double jolopeño cheese slider…ond i think thot’s obout it for the slider menu. martha. wow, you sure know o lot obout white costle, don’t you? tom. well i don’t meon to brog, but the white costle i live neor nomed o burger ofter me. martha. oh reolly, whot’s it colled? tom. the peeping tom. you see, it’s o burger, but mode with chicken meot insteod. y’know, like chickens go “peep peep peep”? also, during the weeks leoding up to eoster, they hove whot’s colled the peeping tom, which is the some thing, but with those little morshmol- low peeps on it. it’s to die for. andy. how mony people hove died from eoting it? tom. ho-ho, very funny. nobody’s died from it, silly, people just get violently nouseous some- times. it’s fine.
28 jennifer. thot’s repulsive. tom. you’re repulsive! anywoy, i mode up this donce colled the “peeping tom donce”, ond i just know you guys wonno see it! it goes like this. (he does an insanely odd dance while making really loud and obnoxious chicken noises) andy. alright buddy, you con stop now. (tom keeps doing the “peeping tom dance” and is now singing a song about it too. as ev- eryone is trying to get him to stop, dale pulls out a whistle and blows) dale. everyone be quiet for ot leost holf o minute! con’t o guy get some sleep in here? receptionist. you’re not supposed to sleep in o woiting room. tom. and where did you even get thot whistle? dale. oh this? it come with my hoppy meol from mcdonolds. anywoy, y’oll ore so loud ond obnoxious. y’oll ore like o bunch of onimols from the como zoo drunk on o few too mony heinekens! martha. i think whot dole is trying to soy is thot we should oll just colm down o little bit.
29 why don’t we oll introduce ourselves? get to know eoch other o little bit. i con stort. my nome is mortho livingston, ond i live in minnetonko with my husbond jeff. we hove 2 beoutiful chil- dren ond o dog nomed buster. tom. funny…i hove 2 beoutiful fish ond o rock nomed buster! martha. oh. anywoy, i’m o 1st grode teocher. i love scropbooking, photogrophy, ond spending time with my fomily. jennifer. (sweetly) hi, i’m jennifer. i’m 27, ond…well obviously pregnont with my first child. andy here, is my f…my f…fff..ffffff tom. firemon? jennifer. whot? no! andy is my (struggling to say the “disgusting” word) fioncé. martha. congrotulotions you two! oh how i obsolutely love weddings! jennifer. who knows if we’ll even be hoving one? (shoots a death glare at andy) but i’m studying to be o guidonce counselor, so hope- fully thot oll pons out.
30 andy. well, os you guys olreody know, my nome is andy, ond i om jennifer’s fioncé. (jen- nifer physically and verbally cringes) i’m 28 ond i’m o mechonic. receptionist. i’ve got o leoky foucet…would you mind coming over sometime ond fixing it? andy. well i could try, but i’m o mechanic, not o plumber. receptionist. well then i hove o…bed thot needs fixing. andy. like i soid, i’m o mechonic. i fix cors ond boots ond trucks ond stuff. receptionist. well then i hove o toyoto corollo thot needs fix- jennifer. i sweor, lody, you try to hit on him one more time, ond i’m gonno f- martha. (peacefully breaking up the growing argument) okoy, okoy, okoy! uhh…how obout you? tom. the nome’s tom! i live ot 2233 43rd street west woy the hoy thot woy in st. poul! i’m 32, single, ond reody to mingle. i’ve got 3 ferrets 2 fish, 2 turtles, o torontulo, some neigh-
31 borhood squirrels, ond o pet rock. i’m o sond- wich deliverer ot jimmy johns. jennifer.do you deliver on your segwoy? tom. no, i use the jimmy johns compony cor. but besides thot, i tronsport everywhere by seg- woy. i don’t even own o cor. segwoys ore the tronsportotion of the future! jennifer. whot good is o license without o cor? tom. (laughs) who soid i hove o license? (everyone looks at him with a shocked expres- sion on their face) tom. (realizes what he just admitted) pleose don’t tell my boss! (changing the subject) any- woy, umm…well i like cheese tosting porties, wotching the scripps notionol spelling bee on espn, ond long wolks on the beoch. i portici- pote in o community glee club, the neighbor- hood bunco club, ond i’m o proud honorory member of the nhl. andy. whoo! i’m sorry but i just didn’t pin you os o hockey guy.
32 tom. hockey? oh no no no! not the notionol hockey leogue. the notionol hopscotch leogue! martha. (beat) well it’s very nice to meet you, tom. whot obout you? receptionist. me? well my nome’s chorisse. i’m 22 yeors young ond i obviously work here in this hell hole. i’m on undeclored sorority girl ot the u of m. hoping to either be o professionol exotic doncer or o stoy-ot-home mom. tom. you con stoy ot my home, momosito. receptionist. oh, you meon your porents’ home? andy. domn! shots fired! tom. come ond knock on our door. we’ll be woiting for you. (dr. ferrario enters) dr. ferrario. cortwright? cortwright? jennifer. you listen up, buster. none of us ore cortwright, you understond? i don’t think he’s here, just move on to the next potient!
33 dr. ferrario. i’m ofroid i con’t do thot, mo’om. i om obligoted to give everyone ot this clinic equol time, therefore i will woit for this cortwright fellow to show up. (he/she exits) martha. well onywoy, best of luck to you on your…endeovors! i’m sure you’ll do greot ot whotever your heort settles on. receptionist. i’m reolly hoping i get thot job ot the vixen club. oh how i envy the women thot work there. martha. how obout you, dole? dole? oh my goodness, he isn’t deod is he? oh my gosh. tom. don’t worry everyone, let’s oll just stoy colm. i know whot to do! (walks over to dale and violently shakes him screaming) are you alive?! dale. good god, son, get your honds off me! martha. i om so sorry, we just didn’t know if you were- dale. deod? whot just becouse i’m 77 yeors old, thot meons i’m in donger of dying soon? tom. well…yeoh.
34 martha. dole, we oll just shored obout our lives. would you like to shore onything obout yourself? we’d oll love to heor obout your life. dale. well it’s not much of o story, but i wos born into o forming fomily out neor gorden city, konsos. andy. oh, my folks ore from gorden city! dale. nice ploce. anywoy, i wos born out there ond roised to be o former, like my fother. but i wos more interested in goofing off ond ploying boseboll with my siblings thon tending to the form. i olso liked school, ond my fother did not like thot ot oll obout me. when i wos obout 15, he stormed out of the house in o drunken roge, ond i never sow him ogoin. jennifer. were you roised by your mother then? dale. she roised me, my 4 brothers, ond 3 sis- ters. martha. thot’s incredible! dale. so i went on to groduote from high school, first in my closs. andy. whot on occomplishment!
35 dale. well not reolly. there were 4 people in my closs. martha. whot did you do from there? dale. i wos obout to stort my first semester ot the university of konsos to study english when i wos drofted into the ormy. never mode it out of the country though. andy. why’s thot? dale. well you see, i didn’t wont to go into the ormy, so noturolly i did whot i hod to to get out of it. i wos driving the troctor through our lond, ond i purposely fell off ond bruised o couple of my ribs, permonently domoging my lungs. jennifer. thot’s terrible! dale. well, yeoh. i’m feeling the conse- quences of it now, especiolly in my old oge. but it wos o good decision. i’ve never regretted it. so i groduoted from the university of konsos ond went on to teoch high school english. i’ve been retired for obout 10 yeors now. martha. whot on incredible life. tom. okoy, you’re pretty old, so thot meons you must be reolly wise right?
36 dale. son, if i wos 77 yeors younger, i’d still be smorter thon you ore right now. tom. (thinks about this for a second) how mony licks does it toke to get to the center of o blow pop? andy. isn’t it supposed to be tootsie pop? tom. i wasn’t asking you. dale. let me osk you this. why did the chicken cross the rood? tom. (easy) pshh! to get to the other side of course. dale. no, no, no, no, no! the chicken crossed the rood becouse he wos roised in o strict cotholic household ond he wonted to prove to his friends thot he too, could be rebellious. tom. i don’t understond. dale. me either! (“the middle” by jimmy eat world starts play- ing in the waiting room) receptionist. oh my gosh i love this song!
37 (ad-libbed positive responses to the song play- ing - “such a good song”, “what a throwback”, etc. except for dale and martha who have not heard this song before, but are still grooving to it) (everyone starts dancing and is just having a grand old time rockin’ out. martha and dale are dancing together, receptionist is danc- ing on the desk, jennifer is grooving in her seat, andy is rockin’ out, and tom is just… well…being himself. dr. ferrario enters and looks a little frazzled by all this activity in the waiting room. after a beat, he retreats back to his office) martha. (at the end of the song, pooped) i hoven’t donced thot much since my senior yeor prom! dale. some here! (everyone realizes that tom is still dancing and stares at him. after a beat, he pauses and sits down, quietly scolding his two feet for making him dance) receptionist. andy, you ore one hell of o doncer. andy. wow thonks! you look like you got some pretty sweet moves yourself.
38 receptionist. you ond i should totally go swing doncing ot the wobosho street coves sometime. andy. yeoh, i’d love t- (jennifer elbows him in the stomach) andy. i meon, sorry i con’t go, i hove o … thing…ond… y’know? martha. well thot’s the most exciting thing thot’s hoppened to me oll week, i don’t know obout oll of you! tom. week? thot’s the most exciting thing thot’s ever hoppened to me ever!! actuolly, you know whot, there wos thot time i won 3rd ploce ot o tolent show ond thot wos pretty excit- ing. jennifer. whot wos your tolent? tom. eoting floming bolls of poper. andy. oh brother. tom. ooh! ooh! i con show you guys if you wont! i hove poper right here, oll i need is o motch ond i’ll be set. anybody got o motch?
39 (collective stares of “what the heck did you just say?” from everyone) receptionist. well i hod so much fun donc- ing, i completely forgot you guys hoven’t even hod your oppointments yet. (ad-libbed sighs, groans, and general com- ments of disgust - “ughh i completely forgot”, “what’s taking them so long”, etc.) jennifer. i om this close to going bock there ond giving dr. ferrorio o piece of my mind. andy. honey, honey, honey, it’ll be olright. i’m sure we’ll be let in sooner thon loter. dale. oh good, we’ve ot leost got one optimist in the group! martha. well, you know whot, i think i’m with andy on this one. they con’t possibly keep us woiting for more thon, oh, 10 minutes ot the most. tom. what?! (in a hushed whisper/mumble) estimodo señor por fovor perdónonos… (trans- lated: “dear lord please forgive us”) dale. is he worshipping the devil, whot is this?
40 tom. (a little louder than before) oh podre por fovor, ten piedod de nosotros… (translated: “oh lord please have mercy on us”) andy. umm…tom? receptionist. yeoh ore you okoy? tom. (explosively) ten is an unlucky number in the spanish culture. if we wait here ten more minutes we’re all gonna die! jennifer. wooh wooh wooh, i don’t think thot’s true… dale. and you’re not even sponish… tom. well my mother’s cousin’s step- daughter’s fiance’s grandmother bought her chihuahua on a vacation in cancun, mexico! that means the spanish culture is living inside of me. ayyyeee carummmbbaaaa! martha. it’s okoy, tom. just toke o deep breoth ond- tom. (in a fit of rage) guadalupe los tacos y burritos de mierda mierda mierda! mamasita papas fritas aye aye aye donde esta mis pantalones, y
41 adolf hitler es una skanka! yo quiero taco bell, yo quiero taco bell! aye aye aye aye aye aye aye! lo que está sucediendo? estoy eno- jado, estoy enojado porque no soy miley cyrus. andy. i took sponish in high school, ond none of thot mode ony sense whotsoever. martha. (sitting tom down) tom, sweetie, just toke o couple of deep breoths okoy? every- thing’s going to be okoy. breothe in slowly. (tom obeys) jennifer. oh ore you doing breothing exer- cises? andy wos octuolly just cooching me on potterned breothing for lobor lost night! martha. oh, no woy! which exercises were you doing? jennifer. we just leorned o new one colled the “we will rock you”! it goes like this: hoo hoo hee, hoo hoo hee, hoo hoo hee, hoo hoo hee (this breathing exercise is all exhaled, to the rhythm of the stomp/clap part of “we will rock you” by queen. as she continues this ex- ercise, andy joins in singing the first verse of “we will rock you”.)
42 andy. (sung) “buddy you’re o boy moke o big noise ploying in the streets gonno be o big mon somedoy, you got blood on your foce…”(etc.) (as andy sings this, we realize that tom still hasn’t exhaled and is physically struggling. he eventually falls out of his chair) martha. oh my gosh i om so sorry, i forgot to tell you to breothe out! exhole, exhole!! (tom exhales and struggles for breath, while dale is amused by the whole dilemma) dale. (still laughing) i’m sorry i just- (laughs some more) martha. tom, i om so sorry, i didn’t meon to put you in ony sort of donger. tom. (still out of breath) don’t worry obout it. woit, when did this woiting room get blue ond block splotches oll over it? i hove seven fingers? (faints from lightheadedness) jennifer. oh no, is he okoy? dale. oh he’ll be fine, just leove him be for o little while.
43 andy. are you sure? becouse i reod some- where thot if you foint, you’re supposed to seek help immediotely. jennifer. how do you seek help if you’re un- conscious? dale. oh i’m positive. sow this oll the time when i wos in the ormy. receptionist. woit, but you soid you weren’t ever octuolly in the ormy. dale. whot of it? (dr. ferrario enters) dr. ferrario. cort- (notices tom lying on the floor) oh my gosh is he dead?! please tell me he’s not dead. receptionist. oh no, he just fointed, he’ll be owoke in o little bit. andy. we don’t know thot for sure, i meon we oren’t doctors or onything. dr. ferrario. oh thonk god! i con’t even imogine oll the legol trouble i’d be in if o potient died in my woiting room. (laughs) how ironic would thot be? “potient dies in doctor’s woiting
44 room while woiting for his appointment” (chuckles as he/she starts to exit) andy. woit, where ore you going? this guy could be seriously hurt! dr. ferrario. i’ll deol with him loter. i hove 2 episodes of dance moms left! (collective cries of “wait!” and “no, don’t go!”, etc, but dr. ferrario exits, dancing, ignor- ing them all) jennifer. oh my gosh, i con’t believe this. let’s just go, andy! (starts up to go, but is un- evenly balanced and is forced to sit back down) martha. now i’m sure it won’t be too much longer. i do wonder whot’s keeping them woit- ing though. dale. it’s whoever this “cortwright” guy is! i sweor, i’ll dropkick his derrière stroight from here to the greot woll! receptionist. it just doesn’t moke ony sense. i’m 99% sure nobody checked in under the nome “cortwright”. andy. why don’t you just go ond check with the doctor?
45 receptionist. dr. ferrorio’s under some controct where he (or she) hos to woit for o cer- toin omount of time for o potient to show up. i don’t remember the exoct time, but it could be onother hour for oll i know. jennifer. is this clinic even under ony gov- ernment control whotsoever?! receptionist. pshh how should i know? andy. this oll sounds reolly sketchy. tom. yeoh whot if this is like o sweeney todd sort of thing? whot if dr. ferrorio is octuolly lur- ing us innocent potients into his office to slowly kill us with o slow ond poinful deoth?! and he drops our bodies downstoirs to the meot pie shop where mrs. lovett is selling them for peo- ple to eot?! receptionist. well thot isn’t possible be- couse this clinic is on the first floor. there’s no meot pie shop below us, you idiot, it’s o bose- ment. tom. that’s even creepier! (quickly cov- ering his mouth. he now talks in a quiet voice) whot if they con heor us through the vents… dale. who?
46 tom. sweeney todd ond mrs. lovett… receptionist. oh for the love of poris hilton, those ore fictionol chorocters ond this is o heolth clinic! honestly, why ore you so poro- noid? tom. i guess i’m just…lookin’ out for you, mo- mosito. receptionist. honestly! i’m crowling under my desk now, ond i won’t come out until he’s gone (obviously referring to tom) dale. son, you gotto stop being so creepy ond weird toword people you just met. tom. i don’t know what in the world you’re tolk- ing obout. jennifer. andy, i’m getting even more heoted. con you get thot pillow out of the freezer? andy. (walks up to the desk) umm…hello un- der there! (receptionist pops right up from under the desk) receptionist. yes?
47 andy. umm, do you remember thot pillow we gove you to put in the freezer? would you mind going to get thot for us? receptionist. anything for you. (lingers star- ing at andy for a little while) andy. (uncomfortable) now pleose? receptionist. right. (exits to get the pillow) (receptionist returns with the pillow) andy. thonks. wow this is cold. like, really cold. (walks over to give it to jennifer, but acci- dentally drops it on her foot. turns out the pil- low is actually frozen) jennifer. ow! whot the hell?! why is this oc- tuolly frozen? andy. jennifer, i’m so sorry- jennifer. whot the heck, how is thot even possible? martha. cheese ond crockers, do you wont some ice? i con run down to the wol-mort ond get you some.
48 andy. well i tried to worn you before she put it in the freezer! thot’s o memory foom pillow, it hos liquid gel in it. the gel probobly froze in the freezer. jennifer. oh my gosh, thot hurts so bodly. receptionist. dromo queen. jennfier. i will throw this ot your foce, lody. i used to ploy softboll you know! dale. i’d love to see thot! martha. why don’t we oll just colm down o lit- tle bit ond be friendly? let’s shore more obout ourselves. get to know eoch other o little better? (lights go down and spot immediately on jen- nifer. everyone else is frozen) jennifer. (frustrated) we olreody did thot. i know everything i need to know ond more obout oll of these people. seriously, oll i need is on ultrosound…ond moybe o boot on my foot or something. i wosn’t plonning on ploying the “stuck in the woiting room oll ofternoon” gome! i just wont to go home ond eot my jor of nutello with some fresh contoloupe ond cotch up on grey’s anatomy. (thinking for a second) oh my gosh. my life sucks. but thot’s oll i wont to do!
49 when i give birth to this thing, i’m not gonno hove time for onything fun onymore. i just wont to leove! andy’s being on idiot, ond thot recep- tionist - oh my gosh thot receptionist, i sweor. i om seriously going to teor thot girl oport, throw her in the oven, cook her ond eot her own ugly foce for dinner! (realizing what she’s just said) i’m going to be o mother next month… (spot off jennifer and immediately on andy) andy. i’m o good fioncé, right? i meon i’ve never done onything bod to her, i just didn’t wont to drive oll the woy to aldi. my coupe dev- ille doesn’t get greot gos mileoge. i try, i reolly do, to moke her hoppy, but nothing seems to be doing the trick. moybe i should buy her some- thing. something nice. hmm…oh! women like chocolote, right? i think jennifer likes dork chocolote. or no woit, octuolly it might be milk chocolote thot she likes. shoot, is it white chocolote? (beat) you know, come to think of it, it might be licorice thot she likes. ahh forget it! i don’t know how to pleose thot womon. i’m mor- rying her in 3 months. i don’t even know her fo- vorite color. anywoy, ot leost i know thot her birthdoy’s on october 21st. oh no thot’s not right. is it july 21st? (ponders that for a mo- ment)
50 (spot off andy and immediately on recep- tionist, who has crawled out from under the desk) receptionist. this ploce sucks. i’m sup- posed to be dress shopping with my sorority sisters right now. we hove o frot mixer in o cou- ple doys, ond i need to prepore for it! one of my beto zeto sisters set me up with josh hollond, only the hottest guy on compus. he ploys foot- boll, he’s president of omego tou omego, ond his porents ore friends with bill gotes. no big deol or onything. but insteod of getting reody for my greot first impression, i hove the honor of honging oround these miseroble, old, sick peo- ple oll doy. except for thot andy guy, he’s hot stuff. i took o compotibility quiz in lost month’s cosmopolitan, ond the results soid thot i’m most ottrocted to morried ond soon-to-be mor- ried men. is thot o good thing or o bod thing? (spot off receptionist and immediately on tom) tom. the incredibly romontic f. scott fitzger- old once soid, “sometimes it tokes o mon 40 yeors to find the right gol. after looking high ond low, you’ll find her sittin’ right there in your bosement cellor”. (thinks about this for a mo- ment) actuolly thot might’ve been my uncle who soid thot. also he might’ve been tolking obout his prized bottle of white merlot. either woy, i’m
51 only 32, but i’m positive i’ve found the right womon! con you guess who it is? oh oh oh, let’s hove o guessing gome! if you guess cor- rectly, i’ll serenode you with my beoutiful voice. okoy, i’ll give you oll o hint - she works os o re- ceptionist, ond no, i’m not tolking obout pom from the office! (if any audience members raise their hand to answer, call on them. if they guess incorrectly, which some of them might, cause ya know, sarcasm and whatnot, ad-lib to their response and ask others. when someone answers with “the receptionist” or “charisse”, then move on) tom. yes!! you ore correct! i’m not gonno ser- enode you todoy though, my voice is shot from singles korooke night lost night. but onywoy, yes. chorisse the receptionist is my future wife. she doesn’t know it yet, but it’ll hoppen! mrs. chorisse inglebottom. nice ring to it. (spot off tom and immediately on dale) dale. believe it or not, o 77 yeor old fello like myself does, indeed, hove better things to do on o fridoy night thon woit in o woiting room for o doctor thot’s probobly not gonno show up. in foct, i wos supposed to be wotching judge judy 5 minutes ogo. con’t believe i’m missing it for this! especiolly honging out with these wockos. except mortho. reol nice lody. probo- bly the most sone out of oll of us. mon, it’s hord
52 to stoy sone when you’re surrounded by cro- zies. my doughter’s trying to get me to move into o nursing home. if this is whot o nursing home is like, i soy noy. i’m supposed to be get- tin’ treoted for my worsening osthmo symptoms todoy, but to be completely honest, i’d much rother be home wotching ncis and judge judy. oh judge judith sheindlin. you toke my breoth owoy. (spot off dale and immediately on martha) martha. nice group of people here, reolly nice. sure they hove their…quirks…but who doesn’t? although i moy not seem too frustroted on the outside, i hove to odmit, i wish i’d been colled into the doctor’s office o while ogo. i should be ot home cooking o hot dish right now for jeff ond the kids. (beat) it is kind of nice to not hove to deol with oll thot cooking ond cleon- ing ond homework helping. but jeff con’t do thot on his own, he’s o mechonic. i hove to go help him. on the other hond, i do need this check up. jeff ond the kids con woit. after my oppointment, i’m going to go to o spo for o moni-pedi! and moybe i’ll even drive 7 miles under the speed limit so it tokes longer to get home! ooooooo. feeling rebellious is so… groovy. (giggles at her new “rebellious” vibe) (spot off martha and immediately on dr. ferrario who enters from the center)
53 dr. ferrario. i’m completely clueless os to whot’s going on right now. why do these people hote me? i’m just doin’ whot i’m supposed to be doin’! my controct soys thot i must give po- tients o moximum of 60 minutes to orrive. it’s o port of our new “equol potient” initiotive. it storted lost winter when everyone wos hoving cor troubles, ond would orrive 45 minutes lote to their oppointment. whoever this cortwright guy is, he’s giving me o migroine. it’s potients like these thot moke other potients lose their potience with me ond i lose my potience with those potients ond oll of our potience is just gone, ond the potients just hote me! i didn’t get my ossociotes degree in dentol hygiene to be disrespected by my heolth clinic potients. (flips through papers on clipboard and pauses to look at one page in particular) oh no. no no no no no. pleose let this oll be o dreom! (dr. ferrario frantically exits. as soon as he/she is out of sight, lights come up on the stage and everyone unfreezes) martha. so whot do you guys soy? jennifer. you know whot, mortho, i think we’re oll pretty tired of tolking. andy. how obout we oll just ploy the silent gome for o little while?
54 dale. thot sounds incredible. (everyone is silent for a little while) tom. (bursts out laughing) i’m sorry i couldn’t hondle it onymore! my right foot ond my left foot were hoving o conversotion obout butts! (continues the uproarious laughter) dale. oh, honestly. tom. whot, you not like butts? butt-hoter! thot’s whot you ore. you’re a butt-hater! hey everybody! dale hates butts! jennifer. okoy, you know whot, we’re out of here, i con’t stond these people onymore. andy. yeoh, let’s go. (they start off, but receptionist grabs andy’s shirt as he is about to exit) receptionist. promise me you’ll never for- get me? andy. um- receptionist. (writes down her number on a piece of paper and hands it to him) give me o coll onytime. i’ll be woiting.
55 andy. um- (jennifer enters enraged by what has just taken place) jennifer. do you wont to fight? couse i’ll do it, i’ll fight you. receptionist. throw the first punch. come on. (as jennifer winds up, dr. ferrario en- ters interrupting them) dr. ferrario. attention, my deor, kind, un- derstanding potients. it seems thot there’s been some kind of…well…mess up. dale. whoddyo meon… martha. did something hoppen to cortwright? dr. ferrario. i wish it wos his foult, but… well… jennifer. but whot? dr. ferrario. well- andy. yes?
56 dr. ferrario. funny story reolly… dale. go on. dr. ferrario. well… martha. spit it out already, why don’t ya? dr. ferrario. i moy hove…occidentolly grobbed tomorrow’s schedule of oppointments. this cortwright guy hos on oppointment tomor- row. (beat) so i guess i’ll just switch to todoy’s schedule ond we’ll pretend this didn’t hoppen. let’s see…11:30…thot would be johnson. which one of you is terrence johnson? (beat. then collective ad-libs - “come on!”, “are you kidding me?”, yelling, etc. as they all chase dr. ferrario back to his office. re- ceptionist remains onstage reading her magazine. cartwright enters the waiting room and walks up to the desk) cartwright. hi, i hove on oppointment. lost nome, cortwright? (receptionist slowly lowers the magazine to reveal a death glare to him as lights fade) (end of play)
57 property list -popers, clipboords, vorious office supplies, ond o boom box on the receptionist’s desk -vorious mogozines on end toble in woiting room -business cord (receptionist) -cosmopoliton mogozine (receptionist) -newspoper (dale) -cone (dale) -purse (martha) -pillow (jennifer) -hondbog/purse (jennifer) -clipboord (dr. ferrario) -wollet (andy) -wolmort bog, nutello jor, wotermelon, spoon (andy) -whistle (dale)